I believe that my search for love started when I was nine. It started when one day I had a thought. I felt something was alive and I had to find it. I remember standing by the French doors of my parents living room feeling Something. This Something had a lot of energy and I wanted to find it. I also felt that it was good.
On a spring morning, I walked through the dark living room. I felt drawn to the light that filled the front room. Something warm was there. I felt it in the light. I was drawn to the window where the warm spring air streamed into the room. Kneeling at the window and looking at the invisible air, I tried to feel what I thought was there. I looked out of the window in silence with a smile, quiet, expecting, and knowing. Therefore, my practice became to run to the window in the living room or my parents’ room to wait at the window. I looked and waited for God. I thought if I looked hard enough, I would find God through the molecules of the air. I actually looked so hard that I thought I saw the molecules of the air. I concluded that if I could see them, then I could see God. I believe what I was searching for at a young age were love and acceptance. I continually strive for it today.
Fast forward 17 years or so, I forgot about that search. I was simply living life. I had no boundaries when it came to relationships. I fell in love with men. I became intimate with them but had no roadmap on how to navigate those relationships. I only thought maybe we will get married and live together.
I simply did not know what God loving meant or even what that looked like. I acted on attractions and stayed in relationships for a long time. I wish then that I knew God and had a deep attraction to Him. I wish, I knew what it was to be attracted to Him like I’m attracted to men. Also, I had a kind, soft, and loving heart. I thought the meaning of love was to endure. And to endure meant that I was a doormat. I thought love meant enduring mistreatment. I put up with so much stuff.
I married one of my boyfriends. He was very special to me. Before I blame myself for what happened, I will say that I was again a doormat. I didn’t know how to be strong in God. I allowed things to happen that I should not have endured. I got divorced and became a single parent. Parenting alone is very challenging. I also felt guilty because of my divorce. I thought that God did not love me because I was divorced. I wondered if God loved me less because my ex-husband got married almost right away. I do mean right away. I had no one for years. I thought that God did not love me as much as he loved my ex-husband. I also thought that God loved other singles who didn’t make the choices that I did. I thought that God loved them more. I didn’t know how lonely I was and after almost being single for 15 years I started the pattern again. But this time I had help. People understood where I was and what was going on with me. Their support led me on a search for God that I had never taken before. Going through it, I began spending a lot of time with God. As time progressed, the way I thought about myself began to change. I will say this, once you get the thought in your head that God loves you. No matter how small the thought is or no matter how minor the voice is, it can only grow. The Bible says that if you have faith the size of a mustard seed (Luke 13: 19), it can grow. The thought that is as small as a mustard seed can grow into a larger dominant thought that fills your mind with possibilities of good things. Things about yourself that attract goodness, care and love for yourself turn into care, love, and positivity for others. Do not give up! God says, “When you pass through the waters and flames, I will be with you”. (Isaiah 43:2) You have to believe that when you are going through it (anxiety, fear, wondering if you are loved, conflict within yourself, wondering if you are good enough for jobs, love, as a parent as a person) that God is with you. Hold onto the fact that God loves you no matter what and Jesus died for you! Not the made over You. Not the better You, but just You. The one born out of the womb with the quirks, funny ways, not particularly womanly ways, the kind off boyish ways, the interested in everything ways, all the ways that aren’t like the others ways the individual ways, the Ways that God Created you, those Ways that He specifically formed you. If you can grow in your belief that God loves the organic you, your love for yourself will grow. And when that love grows you start to believe God more. When your belief in that grows, the love for yourself grows stronger. When love for yourself grows stronger, then you accept less negativity in your life. You begin to believe that goodness, acceptance, and love (in all areas) are possible.
Author: Anonymous
RELATED POSTS
