For a real-live example of this topic, please listen to Moving Beyond Emotional Hurt: Understanding Pushing Others Away podcast .
One may think that pushing people away is the same as shutting down. However, as we explored earlier shutting down first involves no longer engaging in life events. Shutting down also involves avoidance. Nonetheless, I believe pushing people away represents an additional step in avoidance. Not only are you trying to avoid the conflict or person, but now you are shutting them out of your life.
Reasons for Pushing People Away:
- We shut others out due to fear of being hurt, being taking advantage of, or being disliked.
- We feel unworthy to possess positive relationships.
- We do not trust others which include their motives.
- We feel guilty for hurting the other person during the conflict.
- We feel uncomfortable being vulnerable too quickly in the relationship.
God’s Perspective:
David, a man after God’s own heart, pushed people away. He had similar reasons for shutting people out. We pick up David’s story after he killed Goliath. Saul recruited David to be in his army. While in Saul’s army, everyone loved David except Saul. Saul eventually dreaded David’s prosperity to the point that he numerously tried to kill him. David responded as a reasonable person would by fleeing away from harm. In David’s flight, he became destitute and desperate. He deceived a priest by explaining away his individual travels. He also went against Jewish customs and ate consecrated bread. These actions later cost the priest’s life. Also, fearing for his life once more, David acted insane before the Philistine King. David was alone and fearful. During this period, we see David shutting people out to spare his life. He was not truthful to the priest due to fear. He was not honest with the King due to fear.
David did not continue to push people away. Picking up the story in I Samuel 22, we see David escaping to a cave. While in the cave, he possibly wrote Psalms 57 and 142. These psalms reveal him crying out to God. He was overwhelmed, but He asked God for deliverance. David also praised God as he clung to God’s lovingkindness. As time progressed, David’s family and all those who were distressed and discontented joined him in the cave. David became the captain over them. Eventually, the Prophet Gad informed him to leave the cave and to return to Judah. It is essential to see that God did not allow David to push people away completely. In fact, God brought people to David. I firmly believe that God did so because He had a purpose and plan for David’s life. God did not allow David to develop a sense of unworthiness or embellish in his faults. Instead, God told David to go because he had a kingdom to build. This kingdom would serve God wholeheartedly.
Since David responded in this manner, he ensured that he grew spiritually for God. Unfortunately, when we continually push people away, it affects our growth spiritually. For instance:
- We no longer allow God to use people to help develop our character. We no longer seek input from others for spiritual matters.
- We no longer participate in our church community.
- We emphasize our faults and feel unworthy to possess a relationship with God.
- We stop being vulnerable and assume others will hurt us in the same manner.
God remembers us and provides us with great opportunities. All He asked of us is that we walk the journey that He was providing. God demonstrates His sovereignty despite our tendency to push people away. Unfortunately, pushing others away makes it challenging to establish supporters who will help us through our journey.
What about you? How have you pushed others away or shut others out in response to being hurt? Have you considered the effects of your response on your spiritual walk?
Our Call:
David protected himself by keeping a safe distance from those who wanted to harm him. When we push others away or shut them out, we are most likely trying to protect ourselves from emotional harm. There are valid cases where we must distance ourselves from people who are causing us harm. Please consider reading Safe People by Townsend and Cloud. However, most of us are not about to experience death. Our emotions may force us to think that more harm is upon us. When we are consumed with self-preservation, we unable to establish relationships that help us grow, especially spiritually. If David remained in a state of fear and self-preservation, he would have prohibited God from using him in a significant way. As I reflect on my life, when I remain in the state of shutting people out, my spirit within me begins to waste away. I am always living in fear of others. I am afraid to be vulnerable and authenticate to the way God made me. More importantly, I dismiss the spiritual support I need to remain on God’s journey. Luckily, as I continued to heal, God altered my perspective of people. He allowed me to see that I was made for relationships and needed them. I now have great friendships with those who love me, care for me, and protect me. Despite the frailty of people, God still uses them to guide us and to breathe His truth in our lives. I am not at all suggesting that we do not remove ourselves from dangerous circumstances. But the goal remains to move and align ourselves with godly individuals who want the best for us. Our call is to not give up on people. Instead, with the example of David, we are called to cry out to God, request deliverance, and praise God while clinging to HIS lovingkindness. As a result, we return to God and not to our caves. God wants to use us to build His kingdom. Will you return to His calling and build on His behalf?
